Pondering

It occurs to me that perhaps this blog won't really be about writing. Not to say that I won't be blogging about it, just that it's not the main focus of this particular blog.

I think what I need is a separate blog that is just for writing and reading--and by reading I mean the books I've read that I feel have influenced my writing.

This blog (Internal Dialogue) seems to be less the spot for writing than my own problems in life, and other such things. I have another blog, on WDC, that I write in pretty regularly, and I occasionally copy and paste stuff from to here, and vice verse.

But there are things that I feel I can say here that I can't there, if only because there are people there that I don't believe read this one, assuming they're even aware that it exists. I've made so many blogs on here, all of them I ended up deleting for one reason or another. This one has last the longest, by far.

My first one, I posted my opinions on gay marriage, on the election for our current president, religion a little bit. But that isn't what this one is for. I need a place that I can say what I think, and not have to really interact with anyone. This isn't me talking to someone, and them replying to my statement. This is me purging what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I love comments. And I can talk to my parents about almost anything, but sometimes I just don't want to. Sometimes, I need something that is just for me.

It occured to me the other day that I'm searching for something, but I didn't know what.

I know what it is, well, part of it anyway.

I've been looking for a place that is only mine, just as much as I've been searching for that person who is only mine.

I have no doubt I will have to wait a long while before I find the person but I think this blog will be that place.

I have so little space here where I am, so little privacy, so little freedom to say as I think and feel. I need to have it here, if nowhere else in my life.

I'm only 17, but I feel so much older. So much more tired. I shouldn't feel as...weighted as I do. I've been listening more to the old music that my family used to listen to during Circle...

Denean, Gypsy, and a few others. Found some new ones on youtube, of all places. I finally decided what path I was following a few weeks ago, and when I finally told someone, I knew it was right.

I've always known that I believed in the Gods and the Goddess, but I'd never really felt connected to it before, blocked as I am. But when I told my honorary sister who I had finally chosen to be, I could almost feel Brigid's hand on my head. It was a feeling I can't even describe.

As I said in yesterday's post, I've been really emotional last couple of days. I also said that I thought Harley was right, my shields, wards, whatever you want to call them, are starting to open.

I'm a lot calmer than I was yesterday, less conflicted. I think I can handle whatever it is that is happening to me. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know that the years would pass so quickly, and give me so little time to prepare myself.

I didn't lie to Harley when I said that my dad "shut me down" not only to protect me and others, but to give me time to learn discipline and self-control.

I just really suck at them both.

I'm trying really, really hard to keep myself calm today, and so far, I'm doing pretty good. I haven't blown up at anyone, haven't had to bite my tongue, or anything.

I know that the majority of the people I know aren't Pagan, and probably think I'm completely insane after reading this or something like that. Believe me, I completely understand that. Part of me is modern enough to have so much skepticism about this kind of stuff. But the rest of me has no doubts about it other than if I can handle it all.

*sigh*

If I'd known that age 17 was going to do this to me....

Well.

What comes to mind

I've been having serious emotional problems lately--mainly trying to keep my temper in check, and not breaking down in tears over not finding my bag.

Part of it, I know, is our situation. We're finally starting to get somewhere so that we can leave and we can get our own place. I think the stress of worrying if it will actually happen or if it will fall out from under us--again-- is taking its toll on me. I've never been a very stressed person, though. I tend to just go with the flow of things, even if I do somewhat resent the moving.

Part of it is frustration at some of the people in my life bemoaning their own situations when they've actually got it pretty good.

They've got jobs, place to stay of their very own, friends...I don't have that, and it pisses me off when they come to me and tell me about how they can't stand where they are, about how their job sucks.

At least they HAVE a job, they have somewhere of their very own where they can shut out the world if they really truly wanted to.

I don't have that, and I slightly resent having to slam their skulls against a concrete wall to get them to see that they don't get to whine about their lives to me.

I'm getting to the point these days where I don't fucking care anymore.

I don't care if they had to sleep in a car.

I don't care that their parents accused them of something they didn't do.

Been there. Done that. GOT THE EFFING T-SHIRT.

Yesterday, I was damn near in tears because I couldn't find my bag for the library. The day before that I almost threw three bags of groceries at my great-uncle and had to bite my tongue to keep from calling him an ass.

I ranted at my mother that day for two hours about random things, just trying to get my head sorted out. I still didn't manage that.

I'm so unbalanced right now. Harley thinks my blocks are starting to come down, and considering the sensitivity I've been experiencing in response to all the negativity in this house, I tend to agree with her.

This is the last thing I need right now. I don't want to have to try and control this shit while I have to deal with all of this normal crap. The non-normal has no place in my life right now. I don't have the room. I have no where to put it, I don't have the control, the emotional balance to deal with it.

I've been on the verge of tears since the day after my birthday...I can't handle a breakdown right now, I can't handle any of this.

I just...

I'm not strong enough for it.