He's treating it all like it's one big RPG game, and it's not.
But he argues with me, saying it is. Life is a RPG game...you learn lessons in them too.
Ok. Life is a RPG game.
Games have rules.
It doesn't matter that you choose to ignore the rules--it doesn't invalidate them. It doesn't make them go poof just because you ignore them! The consequences of your actions are still going to happen in spite of your belief that you are exempt from them.
And this arrogance will make the end results that much worse.
Karma is a bigger bitch than any one on earth ever will be.
My biggest problem with this is that I'm at a point in my life that has me really sensitive to this stuff. I just can't deal with it all when I can't deal with my own crap. I'm too open, too raw for it.
So, whenever he and I talk about this stuff, I always come away with it with my stomach tied up in knots and my head filled with cotton, my shoulders heavy...and I never know what to do about it.
I'm beyond lucky in the fact that I've got friends online who can and have helped me with this. Gods, just being able to talk to Sid about it has helped loads. I can't dump this stuff on my parents--even though I know they have experience with this kind of stuff. Mom's worrying about school and work, Dad's worrying about work...and this crap with my aunt and her daughter on top of it...I just can't bring myself to try and really talk to them about it.
Besides which, they aren't really in on it, y'know? They aren't the one talking to him. They don't know him, they don't feel it all.
Sid, Harley and Shawna...they know. They know him, they know me, and all of them are so fucking connected it's not even funny.
I've never had anyone calm me down as quick as Shawna was able to tonight. Sid's ok to rant to, and talk about family stuff with...but she's a little biased against my other friend that is creating all of this tension in me. Shawna feels so much more neutral. It's like she knows his faults and his virtues and doesn't hold one against the other or anything like that.
Harley just plain doesn't like him.
Me...he's my friend. He's really helped me come out of my shell over the past few months. I imagine I would have gotten to the point where I just didn't care about other people eventually, but he's helped me get there faster. And that might sound bad, but right now it's a big help.
Shawna is helping me to ground and center--which is something I do need, but I'm not sure grounding here in this house is such a good idea. This place has a damn pool of negativity underneath it and I don't know if grounding into it would be beneficial in the long run. =\
I think I'll do it at the library instead.
But, I hate feeling like he makes me feel. I hate it when he pushes me into a corner on things. I hate it when he looks at this stuff as a game. I hate it when I have to tell him no. I hate it when I let him make me react. I hate it when he wants me to do legwork for him. I hate that he doesn't understand how serious this stuff is. I hate it.
And FUCK, hate is a damn heavy emotion.
So, from now on I'm shielding. Shawna gave me a good idea of what to do--the trick now is to put it into practice.
Shielding will help, but refusing to take the weight of his lack of responsibility will help even more. You see that he's...dumping the consequences on others and you're volunteering to take it.
ReplyDelete*shakes head firmly and pulls out the drill sergeant voice*
Stop that. Draw the line. Tell him that he's your friend, but you won't talk to him about that anymore if he's going to continue to be blase about it and pretend it's a game.
No. More.
And then when he continues, walk away.
You can't stop him. You can't change his mind. He has to learn this on his own. And he will. Karma will come and bite him on the butt so hard...you and I both know it'll happen. But do not take ownership. Make him do it.
*quivers in fear*
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why I'm starting to pull away is because he's making me sick to my stomach with this stuff. And I know he's doing it on purpose--not consciously, but still. He's feeding off of it.
I feed off of emotions, but damn, you are what you eat! If you're only feeding off of anger, then you're going to be a very angry person. *points at self* I should know!!
He's doing it for fun, he's doing it cuz he thinks it's cool....and I've got a friend or two who just want to bind him. I'm afraid of what he'll do if we do that. *sigh*
Problem is: I'm looking at this from the point of view of his friend. I need to not do that. I need to look at it from a "He's fucking up, but it's not your problem" point of view.
Karma IS going to take a bite out of his ass...
I'm not offering up a chunk of my own.
Good for you, girl-child. He is his own person and it could be that he just needs to learn this lesson on his own. Hey. I had to "turn someone into a toad"...with...no slight hint of malice behind my intentions in order for me to start really figuring this out.
ReplyDeleteTurned out I wasn't such a princess either. *raises eyebrows* But I figured it out and I've got a thick skull. He will too.
I'm lucky because I've never made any mistakes like that or what he's doing, or what a friend did, because I've grown up more around the consequences of it all than the causes of it. I see what happens, and I'm kind of like: "Uhm...no. I think I'll just avoid that." lol
ReplyDeleteI was locked down for over 14 years, but during that time--minus the three years I was with my grandparents--I've talked with my parents about the philosophies and morals and everything concerning this stuff. So, to quote my dad: I'm an initiate, not just a novice!
*sighs, rolls eyes* It's just very frustrating, though. So, shielding it is and avoidance of it all as much as possible.