Part of it, I know, is our situation. We're finally starting to get somewhere so that we can leave and we can get our own place. I think the stress of worrying if it will actually happen or if it will fall out from under us--again-- is taking its toll on me. I've never been a very stressed person, though. I tend to just go with the flow of things, even if I do somewhat resent the moving.
Part of it is frustration at some of the people in my life bemoaning their own situations when they've actually got it pretty good.
They've got jobs, place to stay of their very own, friends...I don't have that, and it pisses me off when they come to me and tell me about how they can't stand where they are, about how their job sucks.
At least they HAVE a job, they have somewhere of their very own where they can shut out the world if they really truly wanted to.
I don't have that, and I slightly resent having to slam their skulls against a concrete wall to get them to see that they don't get to whine about their lives to me.
I'm getting to the point these days where I don't fucking care anymore.
I don't care if they had to sleep in a car.
I don't care that their parents accused them of something they didn't do.
Been there. Done that. GOT THE EFFING T-SHIRT.
Yesterday, I was damn near in tears because I couldn't find my bag for the library. The day before that I almost threw three bags of groceries at my great-uncle and had to bite my tongue to keep from calling him an ass.
I ranted at my mother that day for two hours about random things, just trying to get my head sorted out. I still didn't manage that.
I'm so unbalanced right now. Harley thinks my blocks are starting to come down, and considering the sensitivity I've been experiencing in response to all the negativity in this house, I tend to agree with her.
This is the last thing I need right now. I don't want to have to try and control this shit while I have to deal with all of this normal crap. The non-normal has no place in my life right now. I don't have the room. I have no where to put it, I don't have the control, the emotional balance to deal with it.
I've been on the verge of tears since the day after my birthday...I can't handle a breakdown right now, I can't handle any of this.
I just...
I'm not strong enough for it.
Oh!! And!! I'm thinking about you and offering tons of support over here. You're my bud! We gots to stick together.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand!! Holy Pete! I understand. I was ready to kill people. My boss. My roommate. My mother, father, sister and anyone else associated with them. My fuse was so freakin' short and...GADS! I don't cry. I don't. Period. End of story. However, I do get...angry...sometimes.
ReplyDeleteEverything just seems so frelling overwelming, you know? I mean, you've got your worries which are huge! Mine are completely different...I think. But...gads. I wanted to explode.
I was able to rearrange some space in our apartment--some my space. No one else space. Clean and neat and everything has an away place and there's NO chaos!!!
That helped immensely. I don't know if that'll help you out...but...sometimes, little things like that really do help!
Aw, thanks! I wish I had my own space. I told my mom a couple weeks ago that all I wanted for Christmas was my very own door. *snicker* Hopefully, I'll get that! I'm doing better now, but it's gonna be damn hard to keep myself under control over the next few months,. [insert eye roll]
ReplyDeleteWell, lets work on that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've added you to my blog. Why don't you tell us something about your book and where you are right now and what issues you're facing with it. You know. Concentrate on something that is very much in your control.
EEK!Uhm...ok. *nervous muttering*
ReplyDelete