Books and Dreams

Not a whole lot has been going on lately...haven't been talking to Blue much at all. Have been keeping up with him, of course, but...yeah.

He was doing pretty well--seemed like he wasn't doing anything, just avoiding it all even though he was still aware of it, and still kinda seeing in that mode.

Then the other day, I read his blog...

He bought a copy of the Necronomicon.

There is not a damn thing good in that book. I avoid that thing like it's the fucking plague. For me, it's like Voodoo.

I know enough about it to stay away from it.

But other than to say I don't like the book, I haven't talked to him about it.

Had a weird dream last night.

I went to bed, and I was feeling strange, so I visualized myself standing in utter darkness. Although I mentally described it as nothingness.

So I'm kneeling there, trying to shield--building a fire at my feet, and breathing--and slowly standing up as the fire rises.

Then I can feel the wings.

They rose above me--behind me--as if coming out of my own back. The membranes of them were the same deep, ruby red of the fire at my feet. I can't explain how I could see them when they were behind me, but I could. I turned around, and there he was.

He was fucking huge. The kind of huge where you can't even see all of him at once. The only color I could identify--and by that I mean all I could see (at least remember)--was the red of his wings. (It was definitely male)

I know he was talking to me. I know he had a very deep voice. I know he felt old. I know that he was amused and curious by/about me.

Then I feel this thing rub against my back like a big ole' cat. Y'know how they'll rub up against stuff--that long, rolling rub? Yeah.

It did that, and then, in a flash, it was sitting next to me like a dog, except it was the size of an over-large horse. Ronan. *rolls eyes*

I don't know how long we were there...what the big dragon told me, or what I said...before the dream broke, I felt a large hand--human--on the small of my back. I could feel the warmth of the hand, each finger and the palm practically burning its imprint on me.

It flexed against my skin, slid up once...and as soon as it fell away, the dream shattered.

That's all I remember....

Weird as fuck.

Ok ok ok ok

Seriously--I'm calm now.

I seriously think he's just delusional. I was swapping emails with a mutual friend, and this is one I sent her:

Well, a couple weeks ago, Sid and I were having a shielding session, and I was trying to shield with fire directly from the sun (this was during the night of full moon. real smart of me, huh?) and I felt something moving...we were "in" a clearing, one path leading out, and something was moving in the trees. Sid thought it was a wolf, and I told her it was too big and too non-furry to be a wolf. Turned out to be a dragon--and he's kinda stuck around with me over the past few weeks. He's big, obnoxious, sarcastic and a pain in my butt--but he has helped me with my shielding.

I mention this because my mother has a Dragon of her own, GrandSire--very old, Celestial dragon (I'm pretty sure he's my drak's --Ronan for future reference--grandfather. *sigh*) and I've told Blue about them before. Well, Blue now has a white tiger "totem" he believes is like Ronan and GrandSire and he's been going on and on about how the tiger is still young and learning but is on his way to being like Ronan and GrandSire, and how he and the tiger are "soul partners"----basically like two neighborhood kids who've grown up together, learn things together, just totem and human. And he thinks that's what Ro and I are, and what my mother and GrandSire are....and he's talking about how he thinks you have to have Celtic blood and you have to believe in this stuff to have a "soul partner." He gets that because my mother and I both have a large amount of Celt in our background and he's got some in his.

*bangs head on wall*

It's like "WTF???" Where does he GET this stuff? Seriously??

And the thing is, I really think he gets a lot of this stuff from his anime shows. It sounds stupid...probably because it is. But he used to watch a show that was about a kid and his "pet" WHITE TIGER. I haven't watched it--didn't interest me, but I bet if I did, it would have something about "soul partners" or whatever.

And late last week this happened:

He pissed me off beyond royally last week--I didn't talk to him at all for like 3 days. He emailed me here on _____, and said that he and his RL best friend were on MSN and he wanted me on there cuz they had "questions" and that I *had* to get on because he would just keep emailing me and bugging me.

So I got on, prepared to be annoyed, and he started talking about how in all the other major religions there was a Trinity of some sort--so what was our third? Y'know, God + Goddess + ???. He was asking me about power numbers (3,7,9,13 etc etc) and shit like that. I finally got pissed at him and told him that if he wasn't going to damn well listen to what I was telling him, then I had nothing more to say and I logged out of MSN.

I stopped being pissed at him later, but I told him that he needed to learn when he needs to stop pushing. You should have heard me ranting about that to Sid and Harley, man. I was pissed. He finally managed to push me beyond tolerance.

So basically--I'm avoiding him as much as possible on this subject.

On a kinda good kinda bad note: I'm going to the library tomorrow because I'm starting to get that lethargic feeling again, which means I need to be around ample, positive energy--ie. I need to feed.

(Gods, but the modern, skeptical part of me looks at that and goes, "You've been brainwashed haven't you?")

*rolls eyes*

Done.

Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.Done. Done.

Can't do it anymore....can't handle his shit...can't handle what he does to me with his questions...just can't...so I'm not...I'm done...fuck him....screw him.....

We're done.

"Musings" & Connections

Seriously, I am so tired of this shit.

I am having a DAMN hard time keeping myself from psy-smacking Blue into reality. He's got so many theories, but no foundation for them.

He keeps going on about soul partners--

Which are basically totemic spirits who stay with one soul and learn with them. Like, two kids who grow up together and stay in the same town their entire lives.

--and how he thinks that you have to have Celtic blood and you have to believe in this stuff to have a "soul partner." He, of course, believes that the Tiger who has supposedly been hanging out in his head is his "soul partner."

The fact that he has Celtic blood and a "soul partner," only enforces that idea.

The fact that my mother and I both have draks and are of Irish descent (heavy heritage) does not help my cause of getting him to freaking drop this shit.

I've gotten better at shielding...I think. I'm hoping. Harley tested my shields today, and told me I felt cold and kinda blue-ish-white.

Was using ice at the time.

I want my mom to try them out at some point soon--she's like the shielding guru. LOL

I think I forgot today that I needed to keep him out. After finding out about Maria, I was really raw today. I've never met Ashy face-to-face, but she's one of my best friends...one of the best people I've ever met. This had me down.

I didn't encourage Blue in this Celtic + Belief = "soul partners" thing.

Delusions of grandeur from novices do not a happy Mire make.

Because that is what he is. He has no training, no access to books, only his own imaginings and maybe a bit of power.

He has theories about 2012, he has theories about seeing the Lady, about his own "destiny," about....GAWDS.

Can someone please give me permission to SMACK him????????

Please???

This morning--had Ceri, Sid and Blue on MSN, so Sid could teach Ceri how to shield. Ceri's been wanting to learn and, really, she needs it. At the time, I kept getting kicked off my computer because it overheated...so I wasn't there for it, but Sid told me that he kept interrupting to ask her if she could try to break through his shields.

WTF??

First off: interrupting a "class" while someone else is learning something like shielding--which takes a bit of CONCENTRATION--is plain rude!

Second off: Sid happens to be a Shieldbreaker--as my mother, who would have BIG reason to know, called her--and asking her to break his shields is just...ugh. It's like asking a hungry Dragon if you can put your head in his mouth. Not particularly good for your health.

He supposedly has 2 layers on his shields. The first layer--which I have sensed--is a rainbow over a running brooke. ~_^ Yeah....sorry but that sounds more like pretty-factor than protection!

The second layer...is supposedly...*skeptical glance* a combination of all the elements and stuff into one shield that rests just above his skin.

Uhm....*raises hand* Let's stop right there.

You can't combine all the elements and have a stable, solid shield. PARTICULARLY, when you're a complete novice and have no real training or ability. (But he tells me that the shield made itself. *blink*) For one thing: You're putting too many volitile and OPPOSING elements into one stew.

Too much and too many and it boils over.

Oh, you can use Spirit--which is all of the elements and yet none of them. But that's different and it's not something Blue could do.

It's just...ugh.

And he thinks he's seen the Lady. Apparently, he was walking around the woods near his house--where the "things" are that keep "attacking his house" and that he "crushes" with his energy--and a "lady in white" was sitting on a tree stump. Supposedly, she was attacked by the "things" and she used "otherworldly power beyond mortals" to destroy the "things."

.....

Is anyone else going: "Uhm...rewind?"

Seriously, I am so fucking tired of this. I can't smack him and tell him to get back to Reality-Land, can't tell him that he's not powerful enough for some of this, that he needs to just FUCKING BACK OFF.

Why not?

Because he's my friend and I'm terrified of what he'd do.

Not that he'd hurt me. I've got Ronan, and thick-ass shields. I've had shields since I was...hell, practically since I was born, but they don't keep me protected from outside emotions and my own abilities.

They don't keep me from needing to feed--although my locks did lessen the hunger before they unlocked. hungrier than ever these days...accidentally feeding off of Sid and maybe Ceri, I think. I know I've fed off of Sid--she gave it willinginly, thank gods. But I'm not at all sure about Ceri....it's something I don't want to speculate about right now.

*sigh*

I'm sure I had more to say...more to rant about...more to purge...but all I can think about right now is going to bed, calling up a fire-shield around my bed and curling up in my head with Ronan.

I swear I'm not nutso, y'all.

I just believe in things most don't. *shrugs* Don't believe, or can't handle...leave.

Very simple, eh? =)

~Mireyah

Saying a Soft Prayer

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

Merry meet, merry part, and Merry meet again.

Blessed be, Maria.

**A good friend's very young daughter died Tuesday morning.**

Big, annoying, perfectionist

Not as young looking in the face, but this is pretty accurate. Much better than the red one I had up before. He's black, blue, and silver with purple strips in a few places.

His name is Ronan.

And he is annoying in a big-brother-gotta-protect-innocent-little-sister way.

He's got a fucked up sense of humor, and he won't let anything near me that hasn't passed "inspection."

Stupid...unlocked.........dragons........mental....gonna go nutso......abilities...grrrrrrrr

*grumblings of confusion*

He was here when I got home from the library.

I ignored him until my dad made me go out so he could apologize.

3 hours later he left.

I am so fucking confused right now. No idea what's going through my head....no clue how I feel....

It's easy with him sometimes.

Don't want to do this again.....

but......

*le sigh*

Fiery Imaginings

Ok, so apparently, I'm really good at shielding with fire.

[insert eye roll]

Apparently, most newbies to shielding need hand motions and...well, really dorky-looking stuff to actually concentrate on the imagery needed to actually get their shields up and strong.

Uhm..I've just been doing it in my head.

[confuzzled look]

Seriously--my idea of shielding is:

Mental-Me basically calls up a sandstorm (only made up of fire rather than sand) and just lets it swirl around her. I like to play with it. Ever see a fire-eater? How they play with the flames and stuff? I do that in my head. =D It's fun!

I avoided this other friend--let's call him.....uhm....shit...uhm...BLUE! We'll call him Blue. *grins proudly*

Ok, so, like I was saying.

I avoided "Blue" for the majority of the day. I spent my day talking with Sid on IM, swapping music and pretty pictures....

---Okay yes, dirty jokes and drooling did ensue! Shut up! =P ----

She helped me figure out how to keep my shields up and strong so that when I did finally give in and log into the other IM program to talk to Blue, he wouldn't be eating at my energy. I realized during our pow-wow that part of why I've been feeling so depressed and tired and just BLAH after talking with him is that he's feeding off of my energy, but he's not taking what's offered, he's just taking and actually having a negative impact on how I feel.

Which is totally not cool.

So, I've been building up my shields all day, had two pow-wows with Ceri--which ALWAYS has me bouncy and happy and all, which Sid says has my shields strong. Then I went into WDC chat for like...gods, barely even 10 minutes!

Blue came in after me, and I got knocked out after like...2-3 minutes in his company on there, and I was feeling sick again. But I had him on MSN as well, and he didn't do anything as far as that goes. =\

Sid helped me find fire-feely songs. Not just like, Fire Chant, but songs that felt fiery. For example...Riot by Three Days Grace--that feels earthquakey and lava-ish. =D

And it made me feel a bit better.

And for the past hour or so, I've been listening to Pixie Lott--she's got talent oozing out of her ears, I swear to god. She's got a voice that is just...

I listened to a few of her songs--the slower, liquid ones--and I could totally see her as a lounge singer in the 40's, in a dark blue dress with a slit up to her hip, and a ciggarette in one hand...she's got one of those liquid voices...like smooth whiskey....

*dreamy sigh*

I'm in love...

But I also don't feel completely drained.

Thank the gods and the people who've taught me how to shield my ass from energy-stealing morons.

Heavy

Seriously, over the past few weeks I've been having problems with a friend who is dabbling in things he doesn't understand, doesn't respect, and has no intention of truly working at. I've been raised with this stuff, and I've seen--felt--the consequences that come raining down on someone who doesn't follow the rules.

He's treating it all like it's one big RPG game, and it's not.

But he argues with me, saying it is. Life is a RPG game...you learn lessons in them too.

Ok. Life is a RPG game.

Games have rules.

It doesn't matter that you choose to ignore the rules--it doesn't invalidate them. It doesn't make them go poof just because you ignore them! The consequences of your actions are still going to happen in spite of your belief that you are exempt from them.

And this arrogance will make the end results that much worse.

Karma is a bigger bitch than any one on earth ever will be.

My biggest problem with this is that I'm at a point in my life that has me really sensitive to this stuff. I just can't deal with it all when I can't deal with my own crap. I'm too open, too raw for it.

So, whenever he and I talk about this stuff, I always come away with it with my stomach tied up in knots and my head filled with cotton, my shoulders heavy...and I never know what to do about it.

I'm beyond lucky in the fact that I've got friends online who can and have helped me with this. Gods, just being able to talk to Sid about it has helped loads. I can't dump this stuff on my parents--even though I know they have experience with this kind of stuff. Mom's worrying about school and work, Dad's worrying about work...and this crap with my aunt and her daughter on top of it...I just can't bring myself to try and really talk to them about it.

Besides which, they aren't really in on it, y'know? They aren't the one talking to him. They don't know him, they don't feel it all.

Sid, Harley and Shawna...they know. They know him, they know me, and all of them are so fucking connected it's not even funny.

I've never had anyone calm me down as quick as Shawna was able to tonight. Sid's ok to rant to, and talk about family stuff with...but she's a little biased against my other friend that is creating all of this tension in me. Shawna feels so much more neutral. It's like she knows his faults and his virtues and doesn't hold one against the other or anything like that.

Harley just plain doesn't like him.

Me...he's my friend. He's really helped me come out of my shell over the past few months. I imagine I would have gotten to the point where I just didn't care about other people eventually, but he's helped me get there faster. And that might sound bad, but right now it's a big help.

Shawna is helping me to ground and center--which is something I do need, but I'm not sure grounding here in this house is such a good idea. This place has a damn pool of negativity underneath it and I don't know if grounding into it would be beneficial in the long run. =\

I think I'll do it at the library instead.

But, I hate feeling like he makes me feel. I hate it when he pushes me into a corner on things. I hate it when he looks at this stuff as a game. I hate it when I have to tell him no. I hate it when I let him make me react. I hate it when he wants me to do legwork for him. I hate that he doesn't understand how serious this stuff is. I hate it.

And FUCK, hate is a damn heavy emotion.

So, from now on I'm shielding. Shawna gave me a good idea of what to do--the trick now is to put it into practice.

Pondering

It occurs to me that perhaps this blog won't really be about writing. Not to say that I won't be blogging about it, just that it's not the main focus of this particular blog.

I think what I need is a separate blog that is just for writing and reading--and by reading I mean the books I've read that I feel have influenced my writing.

This blog (Internal Dialogue) seems to be less the spot for writing than my own problems in life, and other such things. I have another blog, on WDC, that I write in pretty regularly, and I occasionally copy and paste stuff from to here, and vice verse.

But there are things that I feel I can say here that I can't there, if only because there are people there that I don't believe read this one, assuming they're even aware that it exists. I've made so many blogs on here, all of them I ended up deleting for one reason or another. This one has last the longest, by far.

My first one, I posted my opinions on gay marriage, on the election for our current president, religion a little bit. But that isn't what this one is for. I need a place that I can say what I think, and not have to really interact with anyone. This isn't me talking to someone, and them replying to my statement. This is me purging what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I love comments. And I can talk to my parents about almost anything, but sometimes I just don't want to. Sometimes, I need something that is just for me.

It occured to me the other day that I'm searching for something, but I didn't know what.

I know what it is, well, part of it anyway.

I've been looking for a place that is only mine, just as much as I've been searching for that person who is only mine.

I have no doubt I will have to wait a long while before I find the person but I think this blog will be that place.

I have so little space here where I am, so little privacy, so little freedom to say as I think and feel. I need to have it here, if nowhere else in my life.

I'm only 17, but I feel so much older. So much more tired. I shouldn't feel as...weighted as I do. I've been listening more to the old music that my family used to listen to during Circle...

Denean, Gypsy, and a few others. Found some new ones on youtube, of all places. I finally decided what path I was following a few weeks ago, and when I finally told someone, I knew it was right.

I've always known that I believed in the Gods and the Goddess, but I'd never really felt connected to it before, blocked as I am. But when I told my honorary sister who I had finally chosen to be, I could almost feel Brigid's hand on my head. It was a feeling I can't even describe.

As I said in yesterday's post, I've been really emotional last couple of days. I also said that I thought Harley was right, my shields, wards, whatever you want to call them, are starting to open.

I'm a lot calmer than I was yesterday, less conflicted. I think I can handle whatever it is that is happening to me. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know that the years would pass so quickly, and give me so little time to prepare myself.

I didn't lie to Harley when I said that my dad "shut me down" not only to protect me and others, but to give me time to learn discipline and self-control.

I just really suck at them both.

I'm trying really, really hard to keep myself calm today, and so far, I'm doing pretty good. I haven't blown up at anyone, haven't had to bite my tongue, or anything.

I know that the majority of the people I know aren't Pagan, and probably think I'm completely insane after reading this or something like that. Believe me, I completely understand that. Part of me is modern enough to have so much skepticism about this kind of stuff. But the rest of me has no doubts about it other than if I can handle it all.

*sigh*

If I'd known that age 17 was going to do this to me....

Well.

What comes to mind

I've been having serious emotional problems lately--mainly trying to keep my temper in check, and not breaking down in tears over not finding my bag.

Part of it, I know, is our situation. We're finally starting to get somewhere so that we can leave and we can get our own place. I think the stress of worrying if it will actually happen or if it will fall out from under us--again-- is taking its toll on me. I've never been a very stressed person, though. I tend to just go with the flow of things, even if I do somewhat resent the moving.

Part of it is frustration at some of the people in my life bemoaning their own situations when they've actually got it pretty good.

They've got jobs, place to stay of their very own, friends...I don't have that, and it pisses me off when they come to me and tell me about how they can't stand where they are, about how their job sucks.

At least they HAVE a job, they have somewhere of their very own where they can shut out the world if they really truly wanted to.

I don't have that, and I slightly resent having to slam their skulls against a concrete wall to get them to see that they don't get to whine about their lives to me.

I'm getting to the point these days where I don't fucking care anymore.

I don't care if they had to sleep in a car.

I don't care that their parents accused them of something they didn't do.

Been there. Done that. GOT THE EFFING T-SHIRT.

Yesterday, I was damn near in tears because I couldn't find my bag for the library. The day before that I almost threw three bags of groceries at my great-uncle and had to bite my tongue to keep from calling him an ass.

I ranted at my mother that day for two hours about random things, just trying to get my head sorted out. I still didn't manage that.

I'm so unbalanced right now. Harley thinks my blocks are starting to come down, and considering the sensitivity I've been experiencing in response to all the negativity in this house, I tend to agree with her.

This is the last thing I need right now. I don't want to have to try and control this shit while I have to deal with all of this normal crap. The non-normal has no place in my life right now. I don't have the room. I have no where to put it, I don't have the control, the emotional balance to deal with it.

I've been on the verge of tears since the day after my birthday...I can't handle a breakdown right now, I can't handle any of this.

I just...

I'm not strong enough for it.